Wednesday, January 26, 2011

How to Fart Quietly!

When you pass gas, it can be an embarrassing thing if you don't know how to do it discreetly. Although you may not be able to escape the foul smell that can emanate from the gas you pass, you can still master the art of passing gas silently, thus enabling you to possibly place the blame for the smell on somebody else. This article will give you some tips on how to save yourself some embarrassment by learning how to pass gas quietly in public.


Things You'll Need:

  • Courage
  • Shamelessness
  • A little finesse
  • And a Quick Finger to Point the Other Direction

  1. 1
    First, you will have to perform what's known as the "test poot". The test poot will give you somewhat of an indication as to the severity of the actual poot, if you were to let it all come out at one time. The way to do this is to very gently "eek" out only a small portion of the entire flatulence. Do your best to refrain from letting it all out in one fell swoop.
  2. 2
    Very nonchalantly, sniff the air to make sure that you have not released an extremely foul odor. If you have, move quickly away. Find some excuse to get in motion, and if anyone else is standing around, encourage them to come along as well. You want to leave the "scene of the crime" as soon as possible.
  3. 3
    If the odor is very faint or even non-existent, you are ready to release the entire poot. This is where you must learn the art of misdirection. Find some way to distract the people around you. Ask someone a question. Fake like you have a sudden pain in your back or neck. Do something to draw the attention away from the actual act of passing gas. This will help you to relax as well.
  4. 4
    As you are strategically distracting the people around you, don't force any wind out of your body. Let it come out at its own speed. Most of the time we get caught passing gas because we are quietly trying to force it out, but it ends up backfiring on us (no pun intended) due to our impatience. Remember: Easy does it.

    And if all these things don't work, and you fart and try to cover it with clearing your throat or a loud cough, and you get caught....fess up and smile. So the next time you need to let one go, let it go!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Farting Facts

Farting or ‘breaking wind’, is releasing gas from the anus. The English word ‘fart’ has been around for a long time; in 1386, Chaucer wrote: ‘This Nicholas anon let flee a fart.’

The medical word for a fart is flatus (rhymes with hiatus) ; farting is flatulence — which is sometimes used to mean belching as well. ‘Pease and beans are flatulent meat’ (Blount, 1674) — and there are flatulently, flatulentness, flatuosity, and flatuous — ‘If a man eat them [mulberries] alone … they swell in the stomach and be very flatuous’ (Holland's translation of Pliny, 1601). However, there seems to be no verb ‘to flatulate’.

Some old people claim that they fart more with increasing age. Doctors do not regard flatulence as a problem in the absence of other serious symptoms.

Farting has always been viewed as vulgar and comical. In the opening scene of Aristophanes's comic play The Frogs, the slave Xanthias, trying to raise a laugh from his master (and the audience), says:

The Roman Emperor Claudius felt strongly that people should have no inhibitions about farting, even at parties, and issued an edict to that effect. In the 1530s, Erasmus wrote that to hold back wind is dangerous, but that one should hide the sound with a cough, for ‘the sound of farting, especially of those who stand on elevated ground, is horrible.’ Today most people try to hide the sounds of farts in public places, and smart public lavatories in Japan are equipped with wall-mounted gadgets that make a loud flushing noise when a button is pressed, thus covering the noise of a fart the occupant feels is coming.

However, one man made his living from the sounds of his farts. Joseph Pujol, who called himself Le Petomane, found he could inhale air through his anus, and developed amazing control of the farting sounds he made. He appeared on stage at the Moulin Rouge in Paris, wearing a red tail-coat and black satin breeches, and delivered a long repertoire that ranged from the sound of a young girl farting to that of a strip of calico tearing. He blew out candles, and, through a tube, played Au claire de la lune on a little flute, and smoked a cigarette. During the 1890s he could earn 20
000 francs in one day at the box office, while Sarah Bernhardt earned only 8000.

Farts are actually gas bubbles produced in the colon by the action of bacteria on food. The idea that farts are bubbles of swallowed air that have been passed right through the digestive tract has been disproved by American research: the gases in farts are mainly carbon dioxide (up to 50%), hydrogen (up to 40%), nitrogen (about 20%), and methane. One person in three produces about 15% methane; the rest of us produce none. This probably arises because we all have hundreds of types of bacteria in the gut, and they vary widely from person to person.

Hydrogen and methane are highly flammable, which has led to some tragic accidents on the operating table. In April 1978, for example, at the University Hospital in Nancy in France, surgeons were trying to remove a polyp from the colon of a 69-year-old man, using an electrically heated wire loop. When they switched on the power to the loop there was a loud explosion inside the colon, and despite emergency surgery the patient died within minutes. Their conclusion was that even though his bowels had been thoroughly cleared and seemed to be completely clean, an explosive mixture of air and hydrogen or methane must have collected. After this incident the official policy was changed, and such patients were insufflated with carbon dioxide before and during surgery.

There have been rumours that cases claimed to be
spontaneous human combustion were in fact caused by farts being ignited by electrostatic sparks from synthetic fibres in underwear.

A vet in Holland was smoking a cigarette while working on a cow. It farted, and after the subsequent explosion the barn burned to the ground. Cows and other ruminants produce methane and other gases from both ends. In 1799 these gases were thought to have possible medical benefits, and were tried out on the patients at Dr Beddoes' Pneumatic Institution in Bristol, under the supervision of the medical superintendent, the 19-year-old Humphry Davy.

Today the farts from cows are asserted by some to yield enough methane to cause a greenhouse effect in the upper atmosphere, thus contributing seriously to global warming. Yet some people do believe in this.

Almost all people fart, typically once an hour, producing between 200 ml and 2 litres a day, although both rate and quantity can be enormously increased by stress, and by eating particular foods — notably cabbage, onions, and beans.

Foods are broken up by the acid in the stomach to produce sugars and various other fragments. The sugars reach the small intestine in the form of oligosaccharides — a few sugar molecules stuck together. We digest most of these oligosaccharides by hydrolysing them with the aid of enzymes to form simple monosaccharides, which in turn are absorbed into the bloodstream.

However, there are three rogue oligosaccharides — raffinose, stachyose, and verbascose — which we cannot digest. Hydrolysis (breakdown) of these requires the enzyme α-D-galactopyranosidase, which does not exist in the human gut. So they pass through into the large intestine, where bacteria digest them anaerobically to make carbon dioxide and hydrogen.

The flatulent effects can be reduced, some people claim, by soaking dried beans for at least 5 hours, then draining, rinsing, boiling for at least 10 minutes in fresh water, and draining and rinsing again before the final cooking.

Alternatively, proprietary medicines are available containing the missing enzyme, and the manufacturers claim that if you take these (drops or pills) when you eat beans you will be able to digest the rogue sugars, and you will not fart. Indeed, the American manufacturers go further, and sell a similar product for pets, to curtail the farting of cats and dogs!

The smell of farts can be memorable. It can make a kid laugh, can clear a room, or let’s you know when you have to take a dump.
But they can also be deadly!
Martin Luther boasted he could ‘drive away the evil spirit with a single fart.’ In 1825 Thurlow asserted ‘There are five or six different species of farts’ — a fact known to every schoolchild.

The smell was for many decades thought to be due to the traces of indole and scatole the gas bubbles pick up from the feces, but recent research suggests that at such concentrations these compounds smell only of mothballs. The smell of farts has been shown to come mainly from sulphur compounds; hydrogen sulphide and organic sulphides. In general, vegetarians fart more than meat-eaters, but their farts are less smelly. However, some vegetarians are said to have more sulphur-producing bacteria in their guts, and so produce much smellier farts.

When a fart is suppressed the gas may be absorbed by the gut. Most of the hydrogen and other gases eventually escape in the breath, but luckily the smell does not get through.

Austin Powers once asked why do our own farts smell so good, like we can’t get enough, but when other people fart, it’s deadly?

It’s similar to the way we can’t smell out own breath or our own body odor (asides from smelling our pits!). Since God has been cruel in not letting us do these two important socially mingling activity’s, he allows us to take comfort in our smell that comes out of our ass.

It’s just the way it is!

The Anatomy of the Fart!

Flatulence is the expulsion through the rectum of a mixture of gases that are byproducts of the digestion process of mammals and other animals. The mixture of gases is known as flatus in medical speak, informally as a fart, or simply (in American English) gas, and is expelled from the rectum in a process colloquially referred to as "passing gas", "breaking wind" or "farting". Flatus is brought to the rectum by the same peristaltic process which causes feces to descend from the large intestine. The noises commonly associated with flatulence are caused by the vibration of the anal sphincter, and occasionally by the closed buttocks.